


this shining light

by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 05:10:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3678879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel/pseuds/TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha has to remind herself that there is no salvation in dating Darcy Lewis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this shining light

**this shining light**

Natasha has to remind herself that there is no salvation in dating Darcy Lewis. That being in a relationship with someone innocent and strong doesn’t somehow redeem Natasha, doesn’t wash away her sins or wipe away the red in her ledger. Natasha’s ledger is red, red, red, deep in debt, and that, Natasha thinks, will never change.

But it’s hard, sometimes, when Darcy looks at her with eyes alight with warm affection, tangles their hands together and squeezes tight, smiling her come-hither smile, for Natasha to remember that she isn’t just another woman – just another _person_ – instead of a weapon with a bloody history full of use. With Darcy, it’s so easy for Natasha to forget who she really is. Pretending has always been easy for Natasha, but she’s never found anything as tempting as pretending normalcy with Darcy.

Natasha can see it, how it could work out: Natasha could quit SHIELD, get a job doing something safe and secure, where she isn’t a honey trap or a living knife or anything other than an ordinary human being. Natasha could live her day full of normal everyday things, like offices and paperwork and small talk with colleagues, and come home every evening to a comfortable house and Darcy’s welcoming arms. It wouldn’t always be easy, but it would be real enough, and the best kind of lie. By the end, Natasha might even have forgotten she was ever anything else.

Instead, Natasha stays with SHIELD, goes on missions, wrangles information out of willing and unwilling informants, kills people who need to be killed, and works on the red in her ledger. She’ll never right all the wrongs she’s committed, but whatever efforts she makes to do so will never be in vain. And that, in itself, is worth something. It has to be.

Darcy understands that Natasha is driven, even if she doesn’t entirely understand the needs that drive her. It shouldn’t work, the two of them: the hardened chameleon of a spy, and the quirky intern; but somehow, it does. It’s not the fantasy life that Natasha sometimes dreams of: but it’s here and it’s honest, and there’s something grounding in returning from a gruelling mission to Darcy’s upbeat chatter and happy laughter. For the first time, Natasha makes a place in her life for ordinary, for comfortable; for another person whose life intertwines with hers. Natasha never thought she could have this: love and light and the unremarkable, but here it is anyway.

“My Mom wants to meet you,” Darcy says one day, and Natasha shakes her head.

“I don’t meet people’s Moms,” she says flatly.

“Well, you’re meeting mine anyway,” Darcy says firmly, which is how Natasha finds herself being enfolded into the Lewis extended family one late summer afternoon. Natasha can’t remember ever having family of her own: the closest thing she has is Clint, who’s not a lover, but closer than a friend. But a _family_ – Natasha’s never been aware of wanting one, but now she has one, and Natasha’s not sure what to make of it: of the friendly interest in everything she does, in the warmth and constant presence in her life, and most of all the assumption that she’s one of them. Natasha wants to tell them that she isn’t part of their family, but the words falter on her lips, because while she never dreamed of this, there’s something about always having someone to fall back on, people to exchange recipes with, something to receiving cards in the mail at Christmas and birthdays. Natasha doesn’t even have a real birthday; she picked one at random when she joined SHIELD. But the cards arrive anyway, one from Darcy’s parents and a fancy handmade card from Darcy’s sister, and one handed to her by Darcy herself with a kiss and a “Hey, happy birthday, babe.” Natasha doesn’t know what to make of it, but it’s… nice.

Then there’s Darcy herself: she’s tolerant and funny and just rolls with the crazy, as she puts it; she’s kind and caring and drop-dead gorgeous, and Natasha knows that she is compromised where Darcy is concerned. Even a couple of years ago, this would have been enough to make her walk out of Darcy’s life forever without ever looking back. But Natasha has been growing as a person, and she thinks she’s learned the trick to this; she might be compromised, and the thought still terrifies her, but for Darcy – well, for Darcy, she can live with it. Live with it and maybe, one day, learn not to be so afraid of what it means, that Darcy holds Natasha’s heart in her hands.

People at SHIELD sometimes assume that Natasha is heartless, cold, remote, but Darcy knows better than anyone that this isn’t true. She’s seen Natasha vulnerable, seen the way she wakes in the night with her heart racing and a fading scream on her lips, been there to draw Natasha back from the dark when her burdens seem too great to bear. Darcy is always there, and while Natasha knows she doesn’t deserve her, she’s never, ever letting go.

No, there’s no salvation in dating Darcy Lewis. But Natasha is pretty much okay with that.


End file.
